Single-file Sanity

I am convinced that Purgatory, if it exists, is really one long, never-ending single-file line. It must be a line of people holding court documents, vehicle registration forms, class enrollment sheets and drop requests. The more time goes by while you're in a line, the more your blood pressure rises like a barometer before a storm. But just as your patience is tested to superhuman and divine levels, you move up one spot. Your patience resets and your blood pressure takes a 'fiver.' I bet even God has to deal with waiting.

The paradox is of course that you never get so angry that you walk out of line or so belligerant that nobody wants to assist you once it is your turn. And it's a whole new level of mind fuck when you're past the point of no return: past the first one-third of the line. How can you leave?

The only thing 'single-file' running through my mind when standing in line is that I should remember to slit my wrists in a single-file motion. I would, except I'd probably have to wait in line at the ER. And of course, you can't slit your wrists a second time. That would mean you didn't do it right the first time around, and if the ER nurse catches on, you'll be given even lower priority and hence pushed further down the list of immediate medical attention.

People waited in line to buy Sony's new game console, only to be shot at by mocking passerbys with paintball guns. Homeless people were paid an average of $100 to stand in line for eager gamers. Imagine how much power the typical bum had at one point. He could stand in line, then halfway through turn to another person behind him and auction off his position to a higher bidder, a gamer that was even more hardcore. If the bum was smart enough, he'd notify the original bidder to provoke a counter offer. The economics of convenience.

I tried adding a class today for the Spring semester. The computer system said I had not saitisfied the pre-requisites, which is of course, false. I had taken the required course my first quarter of community college, almost six years ago. The only reason for this mishap was the Admissions and Records department of the university had failed to enter all my community college coursework into the system. Mind you, I actually transferred in the Spring of 2007, plenty of time for them to have added the courses by now.

Naturally, I endured what all students seem to endure. I like to call them 'labor pains.' I did drop-in advising to choose my classes, had to wait for my exact hour of registration to add courses officially, then be set back because I did not meet the requirements for a class. Really, the error message should say that the staff is too unorganized to process your request, but that your tuition is still expected in full (sorry, no credit cards in person but no Visa online!) by December 19th else you will be dropped from the semester.

How convenient that money is the highest priority. The system has no problem checking for that pre-requisite. In fact, if being kicked out of all courses was somehow a positive service, the university should be lauded for such an advanced computer system. The process is fully automated, so I don't have to do a thing. A message is even sent out electronically notifying me of the withdrawal. The process should make the cover of Time Magazine and be a prelude to accounting systems set up in developing countries.

I stood in line for the Records counter, only to be told that "oh man, reqs (pre-requisites) are a whole different ball game!" - keep in mind all counters have access to the same exact system - and that I have to go to Evaluations to verify that I can take the course for Spring. I did just that, and had to wait for 35 minutes just to be told that I could go back to the Records line, because it is clear that I have met the requirements but that my credits just haven't been entered. Splendid, we were on the same page.

Now, I am generally a polite and peace-loving individual (internalized irrationality aside) but I have an allergic reaction to standing in a line that I have already been in when all I need is to be told that I can finally add a class and, sorry for the inconvenience. Not when the wait is roughly an hour and a half. Not if the Admissions line had catering. I just can't degrade myself like that.

I did manage to add all my courses within a few hours of being eligible to enroll for the following semester. This is perhaps the second time I have ever done that. Previously, I would be oblivious to the enrollment dates and add classes at the start of the term, so that I would have to sit in each class I wished to add, obtain an add code and whore my counterfeit student eagerness so the professor remembers that I was on the wait list, goddamnit.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the written petitions to professors, department heads and deans that always seemed to give me an edge and the add code I needed. I should teach a course as guest lecturer on how to do such things, how to get the hand that feeds to wipe your mouth when you're done eating.

I would do all that but I'm sure I'd have to stand in a line just for guest lecturers, with a different system that scans for pre-requisite professional experience and buy a separate parking pass, sold at an obscure office located (in)conveniently off-campus.

UGG-ly

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." - Oscar Wilde

He should be writing this one.

I've noticed a fashion trend that, unlike others that go off a cliff to die, has made a comeback. A 'comeback' means said trend had gone into remission, the perfect term to use since the similarities between it and cancer are absolutely inherent.

On any given day of the week, I can walk around my university campus and spot at least 17 pairs of UGG boots. Either it's been snowing in the Bay Area or it was unanimously decided that the hideous footwear would be symbolic. Are the pink pairs for breast cancer? There's black, tan, pink and I bet an impending, more artsy palette to come: terracotta, sage, taupe. When I see a pair I can't even say "Ugh" anymore because of the irony. I am left scraping the back of my subconscious for a term that's onomatopoetically indicative of the nausea I am feeling.

The female gender has pulled a fast one on itself. Typically, females cannot stand to wear the same thing as another female, especially a peer. Females also wear things based on the comfort it provides. This can only mean the boots are so incredibly comfortable that the fact that one in ten girls are wearing them goes unnoticed.

However, there is a solution to this chronic eye sore. Somehow, designers must convince gang members to wear them based on color affiliation. Within a week, pink UGGs will have the same law enforcement warning as a solid red hoodie. For once, I am actually endorsing gang involvement. They are people too, afterall. And to give them a chance to give back to the community they keep taking from, to have a hand in student "re-education" ? It's a self-healing wound. I know I wouldn't get shanked.

Kaleidoscope Logic: The Sky is Blue

Female Logic
"Wow, the sky really feels blue today."

Stoner Logic
"Dude, the sky looks like the OCEAN! Craaaazy! I'm hungry..."

Republican Logic
"We have no evidence that the sky is actually blue."

Democrat Logic
"The blue sky is what drives immigration to this country. Keep America's skies blue."

Communist Logic
"Your sky cannot be more blue than HIS sky!"

Non-profit Logic
"We keep the sky blue for everyone! And we can't do it without your donation!"

Wallstreet Logic
"Fears of red and green have kept investor confidence high in the color blue. "

Intelligent Design Logic
"The sky is like a giant mood ring reflecting mother nature's temperament."

Scientologist Logic
"Everytime a member joins the Church, the sky turns blue."

Undergraduate Logic
"My professor says the sky is blue."

Graduate Logic
"I know the sky is blue, I've seen it for myself."

Doctoral Student Logic
"I wonder if the sky can turn other colors?"

Tenured Professor
"Of course the sky is blue, it was my idea. You can purchase the book I wrote on the topic at the student store. It is required reading for the course."