The Missed Connection Who Cried 'Amore!'

You can laugh but you can't judge me. You know you do it, too.

When I get bored, I like to browse the 'missed connections' section of Craigslist, namely to see what the minimum feature is to catch someone's attention - sometimes, it's simply wearing the right shades - but also to observe the personality traits of the obsessed.

"You always order the tall latte and empty four packets of honey into it..."

"I overheard that you like your eggs sunny side up. I like mine fertilized..."

"I was too shy to talk to you but wish those powerful hands were all over me right now..."

Yes, I do think most of the posters are actually female. I can't recall a male-sounding post. I am, however, amazed at the persistence of some people:

"This is Lynn from the burger joint at 26'32 longitude, 31'22 latitude! If you are the guy who asked me what book I was reading, please respond."

(two days later)

"Lynn, here. Looking for Steven xxxxx. Any girls know Steven? The really cute skater guy with blue eyes?"

(one week later, armed with Google search results for 'Steven xxxxx')

"Lynn, again. Just want to know if Steven xxxx, the guy who frequents Cafe Artemis, is the same guy who graduated from Belmont High School in 2002."

(four days and a Grey's Anatomy episode plus John Cusack romantic comedy later)

"Steven! I think we'd be a great match! I think I know what gas station you pump gas at. You always get 91 octane I notice."

(two hours later, with a tone of finality that would drown out the OJ Simpson trial verdict)

"Lynn, this is Steven. I only asked what book you were reading because I was looking for one for my fiancee. Please leave me alone."

I don't necessarily take pleasure in reading something like that. It is the equivalent of finding out Santa's diabetic and that's why he never ate your cookies or that your first love had a sex change and THAT'S why the Adam's apple was a little larger than yours, no it wasn't normal, yes anyone could have been fooled.

But would it be wrong to take on the role of a 'missed connections matchmaker,' if only to appease the lovesick homebodies whom, by virtue of anonymous posting on a public site like Craigslist, can manage to be introverts and voyeurs at the same time?

I can't wait to pose as a 'Steven' and make someone's day on a public forum. I just hope that the other end doesn't have an Adam's apple bigger than mine.

Beauty and The Norm.

How come whenever a new technology or communication medium shows up like the Fonz, we have to pervert it with usage that it was not meant for? Then, it stops being so cool.

I was hoping that with every new form of communication we bridge the gap between being impersonal and actually having face time. I was hoping we'd come as close to being personal without having to be there. That, I could see as a legitimate evolution curve of societal customs. We laugh at blowup dolls, but they did accomplish this before video conferencing was able to convince us that the other end was 'real.' There are no bandwidth limitations with blowup dolls, just psi limitations.

But even in the most professional, most corporate environments, I have seen emails from otherwise successful and bright employees that read like text messages:

"hey can u bring ur report 2 the mtg? thx"

ur welcome.

"Oh em gee! Did you Facebook her?!"

Yes, I did. I thought it was more polite than feeling her up. Apparently not.

I wouldn't put it past our legal system to qualify 'facebooking' - the mark of a successful brand name is when the name becomes a verb in colloquial speech - as stalking or harassment or something that would violate the terms of a restraining order.

Oh, speaking of Facebook.

There are people who have been terminated by employers via Facebook. I think someone was actually served a subpoena on Facebook. If someone is changing their status every 20 min, they'll see a subpoena on their Wall, right?

"The 12th District Court of Appeals wrote on your Wall: ... "

"You were tagged by the Internal Revenue Service in a photo."

Lovely. Not only will they know that I'm watching reruns of 90210 and Save By the Bell in my underwear, they will know how to find me. The Do Not Call registry should be updated to the Do Not Facebook registry.

Then, we have netbooks: laptops so small they are getting close in size (and, therefore, functionality) to smart phones (not smart enough to avoid cannibalization, huh?). Soon, netbooks will come standard with 3G connections so that the carriers will still have their hooks into consumers who've replaced cell phones with 7" laptops that do Skype. We think we're evolving, but we really aren't going anywhere.

And what the hell is so "SMART" about cars that A) can't leave town because they're too dangerous to take on the freeway, B) so small that the usual load you were able to carry in your previous vehicle has to be transported by way of MULTIPLE trips, and C) are so light that two people on roller blades could push one and take off with it?

At least blowup dolls can be deflated and made to be portable; there's only one way to use those.

Social Networking...for Meanies.

As far as I know, the social networking craze and the popular services out there are responsible for entire economies, devastating relationships, forming new ones, creating new vernacular, scandalizing beauty pageant contestants, resulting in the termination of employees and even solving crime.

Social networking gives life to even the faintest, most latent personality disorders, particularly obsessive compulsive behavior. The instant updating of 'statuses' and public displays of private messages and flirtation by way of sending silly gifts have all replaced their real life analogues. That is all fine by me.

I think the craze needs to be exploited for good, for making sure no human being is left out of the e-lovefest.

What harm would there be in adding Ahmadinejad, Putin and Kim Jong Il to your Facebook friends list?

"President Barack Obama Superpokes Ahmadinejad, rocks Knesset. Tonight at 11."

We could give the world leaders all iPhones or Crackberrys and interact with them. Political moves and announcements could be predicted ahead of time by way of Superpoke pattern analysis (SPA) and Wall-to-Wall writings (WWW).

Monday morning: "Ehud Olmert changes status to 'diabolical.'"

Monday night: "Hamas leadership responds with status change to 'combative.'"

U.S. inauguration day: "Louis Farrakhan changes status to 'thankful,' Superpokes Michelle Obama.  Secret Service to investigate."

That is probably all the mean people of the world want, to be loved and engage in the social activities of the people they aim to harass. They most likely weren't hugged as children and had to share their toys. I bet all the meanest meanies were middle childs who were underdeveloped and ugly as sin throughout their adolescence. That's definitely a recipe - also a free pass - for a lifetime of psychoanalysis, several exposes aired on A&E, a devoted section in history books, and perhaps a nice Rx cocktail with not one but two umbrellas.

But let's take it a step further.

A Guantanamo Bay Facebook group. A 'Your hottest leaders' list. Scrabulous with Sarkozy. Awesome. I'd never get work done in class.

Then, we can add in the various prison gangs and see if they interact with each other the same way online as they would in prison. We could call this 'modeling by way of social networking,' which would be the equivalent of virtualizing software systems to save money.

E-cred: posting a giant, solid blue shape on the Bloods' Wall to stir up trouble. Imagine the traffic generated from online gang warfare. What's not to monetize?

And the victims? Merely deleted from friends' lists instead of physically harmed. Somehow, I think we'd need mental and physical harm to manifest themselves as part of the social networking experience. Until then, Hamas can Superpoke the IDF and we can all write on Castro's Wall, wishing him well and tagging him in dug up old photos of him in his youth.