High-Def Highs

I had a high-definition camera shoved down my throat Friday morning. I can't imagine people liking anything shoved down their esophagus (you try writing the plural form of that) regardless of the limitless cranberry juice and saltines they are entitled to post-procedure which, by the way, somehow restore electrolyte balance better than any I.V. bag ever could. Even with a fully numbed field of taste buds and lips that seemed to weigh a quarter-pound each from their numbness, I had to eat something and swore I could think back to whatever the food tasted like at some point in order to convince myself that I was in fact eating; my upper GI tract wouldn't be cooperating for another 24 hours.

The doctor met me in the procedure room which was ice cold. According to the nurses, this was to keep 'bacteria from proliferating.' Right, because bacterium go on a labor strike at 10 degrees below normal room temperature. If you are about to perform a medical procedure on someone, you should be keeping them comfortable and I don't mean simply offering them a warm blanket (I declined).

The fun part of this is always in seeing how high you can count to after they administer anesthesia and before you completely pass out. I think my record is 72 seconds. I remember making a 'roofie' joke to the doctor before passing out, asking if he'd call me the morning after. I saw a smirk then remember waking up with a headache and my wallet untouched, which means either he can somehow identify a maxed-out Visa card or he is still shy after all we've been through.

What they should do for patients, I mean to really capitalize off of this whole 'digital age' thing, is to offer the HD footage of their insides in video Podcast format. If you can't be awake for the whole thing, you should have the option of viewing it from the beginning - Tivo style - on your little portable media player (as I carefully tip-toe around the shameless plug for App...oops, there we go again). And because full motion video of your insides is just so, well, gross, it has built in Search Engine Optimization potential; the amount of traffic such 'train wreck' entertainment would bring means a gold mine of advertising space for the site hosting the footage. Imagine dating profiles based off 30-second endoscopy clips: "Hi, Mandy! I think we have the same esophageal scar tissue caused by our GERD!"

And how could I forget my nurses? I will cash in all my karma next time and tell one how I am pretty sure the anesthesia isn't supposed to wear off so soon, but if she would join me for a cup of coffee at the cafeteria, it would take my mind off the pain. And she'd still have to push me in a wheelchair and refill my Ocean Spray. Ah, the other side of blackmail...the side you're not on!