Pharma Fear

I remember when the promise of strong bones and vitals came in two Wilmas and a Bam Bam. Maybe a slice of Kraft singles and some Ovaltine. As long as you got your daily dose, you'd be climbing walls and breaking other children's bones in no time. "10 million strong.....and growing." Well, we grew the fuck up. Now, things have changed a bit.

My health goals are now beyond climbing the water fountain so mom doesn't have to lift me by my Huggies. I have a new vocabulary: free radicals, organic, enzyme, intracellular, anti-inflammatory.

I take fish oil - anti-inflammatory - and Co-Enzyme Q10 (cardiovascular health), some Echinacea plus Goldenseal (immune system boost) and Resveratrol (anti-aging, anti-oxidant and anti-viral). I'm an honor student at Pill Popping University. I can pop them by feel; no need for even color coding, the weight of the pill tells me what it is. They have the convenience of pop tarts, and after sliced bread, that's saying a lot.

But it's natural, they say, an extract. Well, what happens when the intake of a natural compound becomes supernatural? Doesn't that affect the body adversely? I can take 20g of fish oil a day, but can I realistically eat 9 fish filets in 24 hours? I couldn't even eat that many fish sticks. Of course, the companies are telling us how much healthier we could be if we downed 4 tabs, 2x daily with meals @ xxx mg per tab. I am wondering if this isn't just a big ploy to destroy our stomach lining then claim in 20 years that there's a new wonder extract that's supposed to rebuild your stomach walls.

I propose Adult Flintstones. Sort of like Saved by the Bell: College Years. You'll buy them for the nostalgia and that'll guarantee a bit of short term consumer loyalty for the manufacturer. "10 million strong and growing...old." New slogan, same impact. There is nothing more reliably exploitable than nostalgia. "Rich, Chocolatey Ovaltine...Now with Vicodin!" there could be a new class of health maintenance drugs. Now, I just need some stoner VCs to think how cool this idea is and I'll make so much money off my generation I could buy Rupert Murdoch himself.